the saga of the boy with hooves, pt. 2

Today we follow up with a continuation of the wildly unpopular dialogue piece about some very questionable British nobles.

mredBatilda: (Waving a spoon abover her head) Ohh! This tomato bisque is to die for!
*Reginald barges into the dining room, slightly out of breath*
Reginald: Eh-hmmm! Sir Reginald Hunt-
Batilda: Oh enough! I know it is you Reginald. Honestly, I’ve never understood why you insist on introducing yourself every time you step in a doorway. Additionally, why is it you have barged into my dining room? I’m enjoying a splendid tomato bisque lunch.
Reginald: Well, you see, it is that confounded butler of yours again.
Batilda: My butler? Again Reginald?
Reginald: Oh my, that bisque certainly does look enjoyable. I fear my nephew would despise it though.
Batilda: (drops her spoon in frustration) Reginald! On with it. Every second you stall my bisque grows colder.
Reginald: My lady, I fear your appetite might soon fade as well once you hear what I have to tell.
(Batilda shakes her head and groans)
Reginald: Yesterday morning I rose and commenced to my own dining room to partake in what was supposed to be a peaceful breakfast. I was reviewing a recent paper when the food was set down and when I looked I noticed something peculiar. The toast had been burnt, the coffee wreaked of alcohol, and the eggs were poorly scrambled.
Batilda: Then it sounds as if you have an amateur cook in your household.
Reginald: Yes, that it is what I first thought. That or perhaps my dim witted nephew took a hand at cooking. So I looked up to face the person serving me this sub par breakfast and found myself looking into the mischievous eyes of your butler. My first reaction was shock quickly followed by disgust once I realized he was wearing nothing more than an apron and a chef’s hat.
Batilda: My word! Can this be true?
Reginald: Oh yes, and someone, presumably the butler, had crudely written “Kiss the Cook” in charcoal on the front of the apron, thus destroying it. As he walked away was the worst of all, I noticed and quickly averted my eyes from his bare bottom walking away.
Batilda: Why that does it! Butler! Come in here at once!
Butler: Yes, m’lady? What is… (see’s Reginald) Oh, it’s you. Come to make some more charges?
Reginald: (Glares back) I will prove that horse faced child is yours.
Batilda: Butler, Reginald here has brought it to my attention that you served him breakfast the other day. In an apron with “Kiss the Cook” written on it.
Butler: Yes, quite true. That is how I advertise.
Batilda: In the nu- wait, advertising? Whatever do you mean Butler? Is there some other lucrative business you are involved with?
Butler: I was merely trying to persuade Sir Reginald into hiring me for part-time Butler services. As a way to bury the hatchet.
(Reginald scoffs)
Reginald: Surely in an attempt to legitimately get into my quarters to murder me.
Batilda: Reginald, don’t be so dramatic. Now Butler, what say you of these charges that you were nude?
Butler: Oh Lady Batilda, I certainly wasn’t nude. You know I never remove my butler wardrobe.
Batilda: (nods, looking to Reginald) It’s true, he tends to sleep in them.
Reginald: Oh this is preposterous! Again you fall for his silver tongue. One of these days I will find a way to prove these accusations true. You’ll see!
Batilda: Thank you for your clarification Butler, you are excused. And Reginald, I must excuse you as well so I may return to this glorious bisque.
(Reginald looks to the Butler who once out of sight of Batilda, makes a throat cutting gesture at Reginald)
Reginald: I will take my leave, but know this Lady Batilda: This will not be the end of my claims against your Butler. I speak only the truth and one day you will see it with your own eyes.
(Batilda begins eating the soup and without looking up waves off Reginald)

the saga of the boy with hooves

Often I find it entertaining to do goofy voices. Apparently my co-workers do as well. The following is a dialogue I’ve written up (and we once had) regarding some very classy, old, British characters we’ve come up with. Enjoy.

Reginald: (loud throat clear) Yes, eh, Sir Reginald Hunter here.
Batilda: Ohh, why Reginald, whatever brings you here?
Reginald: Well, Lady Batilda, I have come to speak with you about your butler.
Batilda: My butler? I’m not sure why you would need to.
Reginald: For starters, you don’t find it peculiar I let myself into your home and had to announce myself?
Batilda: Yes it could seem that way but it is only because you’ve happened to arrive at the moment he is on break and cleaning his quarters in the basement.
Reginald: So you mean to tell that even while taking a break he is still cleaning?
Batilda: Silly Reginald, what else would a butler be doing?
Reginald: I could think of a small list of things, including those that I’ve caught this butler doing.
Batilda: What do you mean? You’ve seen him doing odd things within my home?
Reginald: Not quite, my Lady, rather I’ve caught him on my land. I’ve already told you of the incidents where I awoke late at night to find your butler standing in my sleeping quarters watching my wife and I sleep. Or the night I caught him in my nephews room.
Batilda: Tisk, tisk, we’ve been over this many times before. The butler strongly refutes these accusations Reginald.
Reginald: I’m sorry I’m not as quick as you to take the words of a deviant. Also, I must now inform you of this: I awoke mid slumber a few weeks ago to a rustling in my stable. When I approached, your butler came running out in frenzy.
Batilda: Can you be certain it was him? Surely it must have been quite dark out.
Reginald: Yes, but I was carrying a lantern. It was also easy to identify him after the time we stumbled upon him in the woods near my manor. Remember, as he was leading the cult meeting?
Batilda: Ohhh, come now. He told us that was simply a meeting of his card playing friends.
Reginald: I still don’t understand why a group of friends would be dressed in robes, chanting, and eating what appeared to be goat meat. Still he was most certainly in my stables. As he ran he shouted, “It would be best of you not to tell Lady Batilda of this.”
Batilda: How concerning! We must bring him here at once to explain these accusations.
(Butler enters the room a few moments later)
Batilda: Butler, Reginald here has  quite the concerns of you. He worries you were recently in his horse stable in the middle of the night recently. Is this true?
Butler: What? Ahh, no, no, this is simply a misunderstanding. It could not have been I.
Reginald: Yes, it certainly could have been you. Tell me butler, were you aware that the travelling circus has been in town for the last week?
Butler: Well I have heard talk of it, so yes, I am aware.
Reginald: How very interesting. And have you seen my stable before?
Butler: Oh yes, quite so sir, many fine mares you have in your stable. Quite fine indeed.
Reginald: See Batilda, how quickly he points out the fine females I have in my stable? And his awareness of the circus? Quite interesting.
Batilda: Reginald, I don’t understand. What possibly could you be hinting at with the butler? It’s concerning what you might be accusing.
Butler: Yes it’s quite concerning indeed. Spit it out god dammit!
Batilda: Butler! We have spoke over this before! You must control your fits of rage. That is no way to speak of a guest, even one as accusatory as Reginald.
Reginald: Anyways, as I was explaining, I also caught your butler in my stables months ago. I thought, Reginald dear chap, you must be losing your grip. Why ever would Batilda’s butler be in your stable? Then the late intrusions began. Now, last week as I was in town I began to notice fliers all about for the circus. I noticed one offered viewing of a special boy at this circus. Viewing of a half man half horse boy.
Batilda: Gasp! Butler, this certainly can’t be true. What do you have to say in your defense?
Butler: Ridiculous! There is certainly no chance I have a child nor would it be with a horse. I mean, is that even possible?
Batilda: Excellent point. The science certainly does not seem in your favor Reginald. What say you? What proof is there this is the butlers horse-child?
Reginald: Then perhaps your butler would love to explain what it is he was doing feeding that horse-boy a carrot? Or why, just why did that horse-boy call him “papa”?

The Proposal

The following is simply a short story. No crazy, barely lucid rant today.


The closer they got to the bottom of the stairs the more prevalent an odd sound became to Jessica. Paul opened the door and outside before them a line of horses marched down the street. It seemed odd to her that no cars were parked on the curb but then as the line of horses cleared she noticed there was a horse drawn carriage. Was this really Paul’s doing?

Paul stepped up on the carriage and extended his hand down to help pull her up. “Shall we be on our way?”

It all seemed so odd. Could this man actually have set this up? All of it seemed a bit much, especially for a second date and after how awkward the first was. Their first date was simple, a night of drinks. However, it seemed that Paul ordered a shot of whiskey with almost every beer. Conversation took a strange turn when he started to discuss in depth his idea for a cat-and-person tandem bike. He claimed there would be a valuable marketing strategy here seeing as how many older single women seemed to cling to cats. At one point he had explained that this way they could mock couples by enjoying something that normally only two people can share while spending quality times with the pets they loved. Oh god, and the way he described how the cat would fit on the bike. That can’t be what I think about; she thought to herself, I need to focus on this date ahead because it might actually be good. At that moment she noticed the carriage had stopped them in front of a romantic Italian restaurant.

Like a gentleman, Paul opened the door and soon they were seated in a dimly lit room where a soft glow came from all the tables adorned with candles. Paul looked at her and smiled, “Okay, so I know the last date wasn’t exactly the most perfect.”

“Yeah, I know. I had to walk you home and put you to bed to make sure you didn’t swallow your own tongue on the way. Trust me; I didn’t need that on my conscience.”

“True as that may be, I’m hoping this one makes up for it. I’ve got a special night planned. So relax and take in the setting. The food here is wicked.”

Okay, never mind the fact he just described the food as if he were a Bostonian. The restaurant is actually quite romantic. A waiter approached and poured them two glasses of wine. Jessica smiled at the waiter in gratitude while missing the sly hand gesture Paul made at him. The restaurant had quite a robust menu which it made it seem so odd when the waiter suddenly returned. Mid-sip, she almost choked when the waiter set a small box on the table as he smiled first at her and then Paul. She looked up from the box to Paul.

“Uhh…” She couldn’t muster a real response. This all seemed so odd but she noticed Paul was grinning ear to ear, looking at her in an adoring way. Is this a proposal? What the hell? Her mind flew into a flurry with thoughts.  Well… you are 30. You’re not getting any younger and you’ve never been proposed to. Definitely not saying yes to this on a second date but really, I should take the chance to be proposed to at least once. Paul still hadn’t said anything.

“What is this?” As she reached out to the box Paul reached out to hold her hand. She reluctantly grasped back and looked him in the eyes.

“Jessica, I wanted to ask you… Phew, this seemed so much easier upstairs here,” He said pointed up at his head. His hand loosened so she took her hand back pulling the box back with her. “Jessica, would you take my hand tonight and join me in the bedroom? You know, to do some dirty shit.”

As he said this she had begun opening the box the waiter left on the table. The only thing inside the box was a condom. Her eyes widened further than she ever thought they could, “What the fuck? Seriously? This whole elaborate thing was to ask me for sex?”

“Hey whoa, language, people are trying to have romantic dinners here. Plus, I was proposing to you to have sex with me. I understood that you might say ‘no’ but I didn’t think you’d flip out like this.”

She dropped the box, “How did you think I was going to react? Did you think if I didn’t say yes that I’d sit over here holding my chin, deep in thought as I weighed the pros and cons?”

Paul looked offended, “Well yeah, that is kind of what I thought. Are you saying that’s a ridiculous reaction?”

“Yes, Paul, yes I am saying that is ridiculous. In fact, I’m saying that is not just ridiculous. It’s stupid. You thought up the dumbest reaction I might have. Are you insane? Honestly, who thinks up something like this?”

“Okay, okay, it’s just that our last date didn’t seem to go that well. You weren’t very keen on my business idea, which in my opinion, is stupid on your part but I thought I could make up for it here. Plus, I really wanted to have sex with you.”

Jessica got up and started to turn away but before taking 5 steps she turned around and came back to the table. Paul looked up at her, suddenly the gloom on his face was wiped away as he looked up at her. Before he could say a word, she reached down, grabbed her wine glass and chugged it down. Then she reached across the table, grabbed his and drank it down as well before she stormed out of the restaurant.

Pondering why the plan had not worked, Paul sat at the table with his head propped in hand. An expression of sorrow was written all over his face. The two empty wine glasses seemed to be staring at him as the waiter approached. “More wine, sir?”

“Uhhh, yeah. Do you guys serve whiskey too?”

“Sorry, we do not. Will the young miss be returning?”

“Nah, she left.”

Suddenly the waiter seemed to have a bit of sympathy for Paul. “Oh, wow. I’m sorry.” It put him in an odd place to know that Paul’s proposal had been rejected. The waiter wasn’t aware of what he was actually proposing to Jessica. “Well, honestly, I have a flask out in my car. Do you want me to sneak you in a shot from that?”

“Seriously? Yes that would be perfect right now, thank you so much. Hey, also, umm… I kind of had this carriage rented and I paid for two rides on it. Seeing as how the ‘lovely’ lady left, do you want a ride around in it for a while with me? I am not letting that other ride I paid for go to waste.”