Today I present to you a letter I have written. Hopefully we all know who Gene Shalit is. Yes, the magnificent pun-master movie critic. The one with delightful bow ties and a mustache you could see from a mile away. It occurred to me that we would make amazing friends so I’ve written him in hopes that we can achieve this dream. Enjoy.
Dear Mr. Gene Shalit,
Every time I hear you review, it blows my mind through and through. Spring time is upon us so don’t be pompous. Just click yes to my friend request. Soon it will be time for the summer blockbusters and I truly do not want to attend them alone. I have a beard and you have a mustache, I smell a great team. Imagine this: You set up the start of the rhyme and I’ll finish it right on time. Trust me, I even have a great catch phrase for every wonderful pun you toss out. Anytime you let loose with one I’ll follow up with, “Shalit Shazam!” We don’t have to take to TV, I know you retired from the Today show so instead we could set up a neighborhood booth. It’ll be like Lucy’s therapy booth in Peanuts. Instead of mindful help we’ll sell piece of mind. I might be a bit of a tie man myself but your bow-tie is a great offset. Your style is one no person could match. Never has anyone donned pastels so well and looked so insatiable in them. Maybe if we become friends you could teach me a thing or two about being a sharp dressed man. The two of us out on a shopping spree, just imagine that! Nightlife here we come, I hope you’re ready! Recently I’ve considered how much fun it would be to do crossword puzzles together. Have you ever done crosswords with a friend? It’s so much fun. You finish them in twice the time and share twice the stories. I bet you know all the answers but hey, you’re a kind guy so I bet you’ll let me get a couple of them too. So please Gene, don’t respond to this letter with the wrong letters. Just open your heart and I’ll open the door.
Your new bff,
P.S. It doesn’t matter if we don’t both like the same movies. I’m not bothered by the fact that the Cheshire Cat left you “feline fine” because I agree with you about Whip It. It left me “skate bored” too.