Everybody puts on the grump pants from time to time. There’s a universal grump dryer that spits out grumpy pants in each of our homes. It’s been said of myself that I am a pretty grump cat. Not always, mind you. Sometimes it’s fun to discuss what grumpy people would be like in different careers. A recent discussion brought up the best career for a grumpy person: Weatherman.
Being a grumpy person myself, my imagination turned to how I would do it. To start in this career, I would refuse to study meteorology. It’s simply not necessary. Secondly, I’d show up to the station in a disheveled manner every day. Not cleanly shaved and certainly not dressed fancy. If at all possible I’d have a cigarette hanging from my lip as I stood in front of the green screen too. Oh, it would be a bitter forecast.
Newscaster: …and now we turn to Jon Hunter with a look at the weather ahead. Tell us Jon, are we going to have more great weather like today ahead?
Me: The fuck would I know? And honestly, what do you even care? Christ, it’s not like you’re even going to be outside for more than 10 minutes. You’ll just be cooped up inside somewhere all day anyways.
Newscaster: Uh, wow, well, okay. Um, well that’s a strong reaction. Is there anything about the weather you want to tell us?
Me: Ugh, god. Fine, the sun will be out at noon. I don’t know, maybe you won’t be able to see much, could be clouds. Might not be clouds. Why do you care so much?
Newscaster: I think some people want to plan their days according to the weather.
Me: Oh do they now? *turning to camera* Well if you need me to tell you what to do tomorrow, how about this: Turn off your damn TV, call in sick to work, and read a motivating book so your not turning to me for answers.
Newscaster: That seems a bit extreme Jon. Maybe tone it back a bit. Perhaps tomorrow you could give us a real forecast and wear professional clothes. Who knows, even take off that stocking cap.
Me: Take off the stocking cap? Huh, you got some real nerve, pal. You know what? Screw this, I don’t need this damn job.
Oh yes, it would go great. Probably short lived, though. Honestly, this is probably how the end of days at any future job I hold will be like. Just deteriorating into sever grumpitude. Until I hit that dream job of being the cotton candy man in a public park. That would be a pretty sweet gig unless the news station decided that I could stay on. Then all inhibitions would go and I’d give the best forecasts you’ve ever heard.
Newscaster: Even though it frightens us to do so, we now turn to Jon Hunter with the weather.
Me: *holding a glass of whiskey* I dunno, it could rain, it might not. Shit, I bet there’s gonna be waves in the ocean tonight.
Newscaster: We’re in the Midwest, why would you bring up the ocean? Does that effect rain patterns?
Me: How many times have I told you about interrupting my forecast? Look the only thing that’s certain is I will drink this whiskey in the next 10 minutes. Stay tuned.
What a gig. I’m not always that crazy or agitated though. Sometimes I’m quite at peace. Apparently from the photos my friend takes, I also appear like Jesus in a bar.
Anyways, you kids enjoy your V-Day (just don’t catch the VD on VD!) and come back round real soon.