What do you mean your cult has a kickball team?

Recently an idea that I’ve thought on before popped back in my head. Twice. The first time during a John K. Samson song that has the line, “…in the back of that van full of kids, cleaning carpets for the lord”. Then I was watching Seinfeld and happened to catch the episode where George finds out about a carpet cleaning company that is run by a cult that brainwashes people into their cult after cleaning. Of course after these two prompts, my mind raced about with thoughts of cults and carpet cleaners.

Ugh... Vans.

Ugh… Vans.

First thought of course was: What would it be like to work for them? I mean, to be a regular Joe non-cult employee. You would probably feel uncomfortable going to work functions because they’re probably only going to be talking about cult business. Personally, I would constantly wonder why they didn’t want me in the cult. Do they think they’re better than me? Am I just getting the shit work because I’m not in the cult? Most likely you’d get stuck doing all the clean up work at the end while your co-workers tried to get a new member. Which, I’m convinced, just can not work with a cleaning company. You make someone’s house look clean and inviting and suddenly they will want to up and leave to join your cult? No way, pal. Although someone did make a point on this. I guess they would have the guilt trip option.
Cult Member: What do you mean you don’t want to join our cult?
Customer: Simply that, I don’t want in. Look, you did a great job cleaning but I want to enjoy my shiny house now. Not run off in jumpsuits with you.
Cult Member: Oh, okay, I see how it is. We bust our backs to clean up this mess for you. You don’t even lift a finger and now you can’t show compassion.
Customer: Whoa, hey, look. I’m sorry.
Cult Member: Then join the cult if your sorry.
Customer: Okay, fine. Cult me up.

It probably doesn’t happen that way but I’d like to think it does. Payment has to be weird in that job too. Your bustin’ your hump to clean up carpet and these jackals are turning around accepting members instead of checks. Aggravating. Or maybe they share all their money in a pool and you get paid out of that. Benefits probably aren’t that great either. I imagine living in a really rundown studio, sleeping on an air mattress, under an Ernest blanket. You get up to a rough cup of coffee, smoke your cigarette out front as you wait for that van to pick you up and take you around town. On the upside, you’d see so much of the town your in.

My other thought was about how the cult works together, but do they play together too? Like the cult bowling league or the cult softball team. Or do they infiltrate city parks and rec leagues in order to build up new members? I bet they play in the parks and rec league to get a break from the cult family. “God dammit, Tim, yes, we are working for the same goals but I want to bowl in peace.” Perhaps they have their own secret leagues and they pit cult against cult in it. That would be worth getting permission to spectate. The kickball series featuring the Space Bear cult versus the Epic Squid cult. I don’t know what team I’d cheer for more. In all honesty I bet they aren’t much on sports. Instead free time is probably devoted to making pamphlets and maintaining jumpsuits. Yes, jumpsuits. Cleaners wear jumpsuits and we all know that. If I had one, it would also be used as pajamas. It is kind of a let down though, because I feel like they would be real fun in a bowling alley. They are probably pretty competitive if they do get out and about.

With all that being said, remember folks, never trust a carpet cleaner. And for that matter, never trust a man standing in front of a van.


2 thoughts on “What do you mean your cult has a kickball team?

  1. Are you saying that you would sleep and clean in your jumpsuit? Would you ever take it off? I feel like the cult has also brainwashed you into wearing their jumpsuit all the time. Those people are good.

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