I will take a pack of smokes and your finest turtle meat

I had almost thought it would be until the coming year before my next post, which hope your not superstitious because I’m starting to think it’s a year of evil. It’s a year ending in “13” people. Crystal lake is gonna pop up on the map and Jason Voorhees’ mother will be running rampant. Or perhaps a year of crazy good luck for all of us. All of this is besides the point. The holiday season has many of us making more trips to the store than we’d like and perhaps even to stores we never wanted to be in. With all this shopping, it brings up the odd social scenario of what you’re buying.

We’ve all been on a side of this judgmental situation: Somebody buys an odd pairing of items, the cashier is perhaps a bit judgmental or odd in their reaction, and the person behind is now noticing and silently judging causing the buyer to feel uncomfortable or ashamed. There are items out there in the world that are always awkward to buy and for whatever reason they always bring quick judgement to the situation. For instance, the 36 year old man buying all the Twilight films on DVD. You might say to yourself, “Well, that’s a bit creepy.” Or the older gentleman buying a stack of adult magazines. You could say, “I wonder how old his parents are since he probably still lives in their basement.” It always gets stranger when you have a combination of items though. That’s when minds really start to wander.

Picture this, your a cashier or perhaps a shopper. In front of you is a person buying this collection of items: Prophylactics, pregnancy tests, and coat hangers. What a doozy. Maybe they just had a moment where they needed the first two and thought, as they were walking out, “Oh, those sweaters have just been laying on the floor, I really need hangers.” Now add in this: There’s also a gaggle of nuns and orphans waiting to check out. Surely the nuns jaws would drop and the children would maybe cry. I’m sure the nuns would say, “Look hard children, this is the type of person that abandons you on our doorstep wrapped in blankets and notes about how they never wanted this. As we leave, grab stones and throw them at this person.” Where do those nuns get off? Or perhaps the children might ask, “Is that my parent?” Either way there is a lot of judgement going on even though perhaps it was a legitimate purchase. Who’s to say those items will be used in combination?

Here’s another: Stocking cap, can of beans, and lighter fluid. Immediate thought is, “This person is going to have a hobo dinner tonight.” It’s even worse if it’s a bearded gentleman like myself. Maybe they saw the hat, thought about how it was cold, then grabbed the beans they came for and realized their lighter was out of fluid. Or there’s this combo: Flour, a bucket, and sink cleaner. Obviously a bomber and drug chemist. Perhaps we should have a ban on buying those items together. Also, to clarify, I’ve never purchased any of these combinations. Surprising, I know, because I come off as a person who can not go to a store without picking up a pregnancy test.

Well, to end, I’ll say this: I’m sure in the recent posts I may be coming off as a grump. Well I did throw on my grumpy pants for the holidays but that tends to be the usual course of action. Given the level of grumpy I reveal to you, Groucho Hunter:

A dashing young lad, ain't he?

A dashing young lad, ain’t he?

I feel no need to explain this picture but will wish a Happy New Years to you all. See ya in 2013!


4 thoughts on “I will take a pack of smokes and your finest turtle meat

  1. I wonder if I’ve ever bought duct tape, plastic sheeting, and candy at the same time. That would look pretty bad. But not nearly as bad as Thad looked when he bought a kangaroo, a drill, and Summer’s Eve.

  2. I have never seen a group of nuns shopping with orphans. Ever. I think buying over-the-counter medication is the worst. Then people are wondering what’s wrong with you. Generally I opt for self-checkout in these situations.

    • One, your technologically advanced self-checkouts are not exempt from this. You always run the possibility of a nosy neighbor at those. Also, nuns and orphans shop together all the time. The nuns start running short on pickles and mustard so they can’t just send one. Then you have all the nuns leaving so whose going to run the orphanery and watch those pesky little Olivers. Thus leading to everyone hopping in the VW bus and heading on down to the store.

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