Death by Delicious

Boing, boing! Goes the diving board as you dive head first into a pool of <insert your favorite food here>. Question is: What happens once you hit food?

Does hell have any temptation sweeter than the mashed potato?

This question sprung from a conversation around what would be the best thing (or most comfortable) to dive into a pool of. Of course when faced with this question a mind could wander to food. It’s soft, chewy and there’s a good chance your favorite might be something that you could swim in. On the other hand, I think food presents some dangers and horrendous ways to go. Think about it, there is probably something terrible that will happen after you dive in your chocolate river or swim in cream of mushroom soup.
The first item discussed which has definitely become an argument amongst many friends is Jello. Here is my thought process on this: You are going to die. In my mind, once you dive into this jello pool, your form is going to cause you slice right through. Okay, fine, now your in the pool and angled. Then this sticky jello holds you and forms around you, encasing you in jello. At this point your lungs and nose and mouth are full of red, orange, or yellow. Your choice. Perhaps you might be able to wiggle and in that scenario you might be able to avoid Bill Cosby’s death trap.The one that would get me? You guessed it. Mashed Potatoes. I fear for my life that something about the starch or consistency of those devilishly good potatoes would prevent me from swimming. It would be like getting pulled under by the tide or consumed by quicksand. Down you’d go to the bottom of the vat. I know what your thinking, oh just eat your way out. People, let’s get serious. Your not going to eat your way out of a swimming pool sized tub of mashed potatoes. In a recent discussion of this dilemma, the idea was thrown out about belly flopping into it. This might work but you’d still have to get out. Perhaps a person with a giant pool skimmer could get me out, but I wouldn’t be diving which would go against the rules. So today, as you eat your lunch, ponder this. What would you dive into? And would you survive?


2 thoughts on “Death by Delicious

  1. I really love mashed potatoes…but I agree swimming in them can only end in a rather unpleasant drowning. Perhaps one could swim in clam chowder, as long as it wasn’t too thick? You would just have to dodge bits of potato as you swam to avoid being knocked unconscious.

  2. I am an expert on this subject because when I was 14, I fell into some quicksand-like mud. I sunk waist-deep and was stuck there for a couple hours. The fire department had to rig a pulley system to get me out. But that was mud and this is mashed potatoes and I really think I could eat my way out of a mashed potato situation. I am not a strong swimmer but I am a strong eater. It would be bad news to try to swim through a milkshake of any kind. If hypothermia didn’t get you first, your head would probably explode from the ice cream headache you’d get from trying to eat your way out. Another pool I would need to avoid is the pool filled with the yolk from a Cadbury Creme egg. My preference would be to jump into a pool filled with the insides of the crispitos served during lunch at school. Best food ever.

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