the saga of the boy with hooves

Often I find it entertaining to do goofy voices. Apparently my co-workers do as well. The following is a dialogue I’ve written up (and we once had) regarding some very classy, old, British characters we’ve come up with. Enjoy.

Reginald: (loud throat clear) Yes, eh, Sir Reginald Hunter here.
Batilda: Ohh, why Reginald, whatever brings you here?
Reginald: Well, Lady Batilda, I have come to speak with you about your butler.
Batilda: My butler? I’m not sure why you would need to.
Reginald: For starters, you don’t find it peculiar I let myself into your home and had to announce myself?
Batilda: Yes it could seem that way but it is only because you’ve happened to arrive at the moment he is on break and cleaning his quarters in the basement.
Reginald: So you mean to tell that even while taking a break he is still cleaning?
Batilda: Silly Reginald, what else would a butler be doing?
Reginald: I could think of a small list of things, including those that I’ve caught this butler doing.
Batilda: What do you mean? You’ve seen him doing odd things within my home?
Reginald: Not quite, my Lady, rather I’ve caught him on my land. I’ve already told you of the incidents where I awoke late at night to find your butler standing in my sleeping quarters watching my wife and I sleep. Or the night I caught him in my nephews room.
Batilda: Tisk, tisk, we’ve been over this many times before. The butler strongly refutes these accusations Reginald.
Reginald: I’m sorry I’m not as quick as you to take the words of a deviant. Also, I must now inform you of this: I awoke mid slumber a few weeks ago to a rustling in my stable. When I approached, your butler came running out in frenzy.
Batilda: Can you be certain it was him? Surely it must have been quite dark out.
Reginald: Yes, but I was carrying a lantern. It was also easy to identify him after the time we stumbled upon him in the woods near my manor. Remember, as he was leading the cult meeting?
Batilda: Ohhh, come now. He told us that was simply a meeting of his card playing friends.
Reginald: I still don’t understand why a group of friends would be dressed in robes, chanting, and eating what appeared to be goat meat. Still he was most certainly in my stables. As he ran he shouted, “It would be best of you not to tell Lady Batilda of this.”
Batilda: How concerning! We must bring him here at once to explain these accusations.
(Butler enters the room a few moments later)
Batilda: Butler, Reginald here has  quite the concerns of you. He worries you were recently in his horse stable in the middle of the night recently. Is this true?
Butler: What? Ahh, no, no, this is simply a misunderstanding. It could not have been I.
Reginald: Yes, it certainly could have been you. Tell me butler, were you aware that the travelling circus has been in town for the last week?
Butler: Well I have heard talk of it, so yes, I am aware.
Reginald: How very interesting. And have you seen my stable before?
Butler: Oh yes, quite so sir, many fine mares you have in your stable. Quite fine indeed.
Reginald: See Batilda, how quickly he points out the fine females I have in my stable? And his awareness of the circus? Quite interesting.
Batilda: Reginald, I don’t understand. What possibly could you be hinting at with the butler? It’s concerning what you might be accusing.
Butler: Yes it’s quite concerning indeed. Spit it out god dammit!
Batilda: Butler! We have spoke over this before! You must control your fits of rage. That is no way to speak of a guest, even one as accusatory as Reginald.
Reginald: Anyways, as I was explaining, I also caught your butler in my stables months ago. I thought, Reginald dear chap, you must be losing your grip. Why ever would Batilda’s butler be in your stable? Then the late intrusions began. Now, last week as I was in town I began to notice fliers all about for the circus. I noticed one offered viewing of a special boy at this circus. Viewing of a half man half horse boy.
Batilda: Gasp! Butler, this certainly can’t be true. What do you have to say in your defense?
Butler: Ridiculous! There is certainly no chance I have a child nor would it be with a horse. I mean, is that even possible?
Batilda: Excellent point. The science certainly does not seem in your favor Reginald. What say you? What proof is there this is the butlers horse-child?
Reginald: Then perhaps your butler would love to explain what it is he was doing feeding that horse-boy a carrot? Or why, just why did that horse-boy call him “papa”?


One thought on “the saga of the boy with hooves

  1. Pingback: Another blog-off for the history books and an interview with Mr. Pastrami » Baloney Bin

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