Shuffle and Hustle


Ahh, the great American past-time of shuffleboard. A world open to endless hustling possibilities. I wouldn’t consider myself a true schemer but it is quite fun to come up with them. The best scheme I can think of is “The Great Shuffleboard Hustle.” It is a bit elaborate but quite worth it in the end considering the various payouts you could receive. Money, medications, apple sauce, but make sure you do not accept denture paste or cleaner.

This is how you start: Simply visit a nearby (or distant) retirement home. Most likely it will be easy to get in if you just claim to be visiting a “Smith” because there are probably a hundred of them there. If you want to try something different then give them a made up name. My favorite to tell them is I’m there to visit “Grandpa Gary.” This seems to always work which leads me to believe maybe it’s secret code for, “Hi, I’d like to roam the halls of your retirement villa.” Anyways, once you’re in make your way towards the rec room or activity area, whatever they want to call it. Scope out the place for a shuffleboard area. If they don’t have one you’ll need to get creative and make one. If they have one you’ll have no problem spotting some seniors and if you have to make one it will definitely attract some attention from the wanderers. At this point offer to play a friendly game or two and once they seem interested, raise the stakes. At first they might seem reluctant so make sure you know what kind of payout your looking for because you might have to grease them up a little bit. Not in a dirty way but in a verbal way. You got to make ’em think they can win. Consider taking medication from an elderly relative or just fill a prescription bottle you have with baby aspirin if you are looking to win medication. Also consider taking anything you find in an antique mall to entice them. They get so excited about those types of things, just look at this guy:

The most important thing here is to make sure you are ready. These people have nothing but time on their hands and if there is already a shuffleboard there they might be pros at this point. You’ll have to make sure you’ve been practicing up. You are really going to want to be good at the floor version, you know, the one with the pusher sticks. Consider taking a cruise and sticking to the shuffleboard deck. It’d be a great way to get in practice against elders and learn to trash talk with them which will really up your game. A home shuffleboard practice area would also be a good idea. It could be as simple as making the outlines with tape in your garage or using chalk to make one on some concrete.
Use a mop, hockey stick, shovel, or even fashion your own pusher sticks, just please do not be as ridiculous as these kids. You are not going to learn anything by kicking the pucks around. Once you feel good about your skill level and got a bit of confidence going, you will be ready to scheme and hustle. To the retirement home!

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